I felt scared, my instinct was telling me to run, move away, escape won’t be near this person. I had forgotten what this fear felt like, it was like getting bad grades, like getting heartbroken or something like all of your petty expectations come crashing down… This is the story of my Ex… Lol, Ex best friend.

The Beginning

I made a mistake that was one of my most unexpected pains and life lessons. Truth be told I met this friend at an internship a few years ago, very intelligent, sophisticated and had a strong sense of what they believed was right and wrong… I was new to the city, an average college kid with above-average dreams trying his best to explore new things and all. Now since the beginning, this person created negative and positive disturbances in my life. Then life moved on we had amazing memories of some internship projects and other things and things went smoothly for a while. I really liked the idea of who she was more than the human being she was… I chose to ignore that part though since the idea of how spectacular she was blinded my judgment. People say love makes you blind, I would argue no it doesn’t but the fake idea of love definitely does. True love will give you clarity, otherwise, you will become a mess, like I did.

The Friendship

So we spoke more and more and I had a not-so-good habit of investing a lot of emotions, time and positivity in the people I cared about. So I did a lot, time, emotions, feelings whatever you call it, I gave a lot in fact too much. She was really sweet though, very perceptive, and had this fire inside her which was really nice, she was smart enough to never be in a position of vulnerability which was not in her control. To her credit, she gave me some respect by listening, not judging, and being real. Now this is where things become interesting I speak to this person for a really long periods of time and it’s fun. I start to put this person on the same level as my childhood school friend and here is where things start turning in a direction where it shouldn’t have.

The part where we overstepped

So I assumed, many things and so did she. I assumed that there was there more than friendship but not as much as a relationship, I was stuck in a phase of one-sided love for years now, and I felt this might be something different and started giving everything I could, I was in my most stressed stage of emotions at the time and I still went to look for where this person would stay, I made all these plans and it was so exciting and the dream grew bigger and bigger… This is where she thought I am being over-friendly and that is fine but then again subconsciously anyone and I mean anyone who is truly done for us, we take them for granted and she did. Truth is I broke, I couldn’t give any more at least that is what my reality was, she cried in front of me once and I stayed and waited till she felt better and then went back home because I thought I could never make anyone feel bad. Here is the simple truth I was in a new country I felt alone and I wanted to give positivity everywhere because people who are in real pain are always the sweetest, kindest people, as they feel hurt way more than you can ever imagine. So that others don’t feel as bad or hurt these people become over-loving, over-caring and just become the world’s emotional dump and it hurts me to say that but that is what I became. She assumed I was smart enough to know, but never tried to communicate that, how would I know?

The Fixing and turmoil

I tried to fix things, but they thought that I will contact them when I feel better, well fun fact guys I was broken how could I ask, I was scared of feeling hurt again and again so I avoided it. Simple solution ain’t it? Then I tried to fix things once and then twice but I couldn’t because what is broken once can’t be fixed again right? No, I don’t choose to believe that it was a battle of egos whether we like to admit it or not. She expected I would become normal, chill why am I feeling like this just talk as if everything is normal, how could I insult her trust, and friendship in such a way. She resorted to power and anger as her method of feeling these emotions. I have seen how it destroys people hence I could not break that wall and communicate and it stays there up to this day.

The problem is I saw this person in a public place and it honestly scared the living bejesus out of me, my body felt scared of what my heart and mind could put it through again. I don’t want to live like that, I am human but why did this scare me so much. This was nothing just a friendship gone wrong. We, humans, are emotional creatures, and I well am an extra emotional one at that. Look I know you will read this, I will probably send this to you, why? because I feel hurt and scared and if there was any legitimacy to our friendship please communicate for once with the walls down, whichever way is comfortable for you but please let’s close this chapter, at least for me. Let’s talk about no filters and full attorney-client privilege on this one. Now for everyone who doesn’t know who this person is or knows them. Know this, she is a very capable, professional and very mature person. So don’t judge her based on this story. After all of this, I still respect the woman she is but she is also my friend or was and I never lie to my friends even if sometimes those things don’t end that well.

So learn from my experiences guys to everyone who made it this far, emotions hurt, hurt bad, and be very careful where you invest them. Have faith because life is still beautiful, all the hurt will pay off one day. Just kidding, No seriously I have some very loving friends and family who give me the strength to persevere and I am very grateful for the blessing of my faith, and loved ones and I will do my best to share it with the world in the best way I can. I am very scared to share this part of life with you all so I hope it helps you in some way shape or form.

Signing off

The Self-Aware dreamer…